Astro Forecast 6.9.25: Hell Week Act I! Wild, Mercurial Gossip Meets Real World Consequence

We've been scrutinizing headlines, challenging narratives, and hearing some absolutely crazy shit. Now, Jupiter and Venus get into signs that will turn weird ideas into dangerous action.

This rosemary eats fascists

What is happening?!

It’s beautiful in Seattle at the moment; a sunny, seventy degree breeze sweeps up the streets and blows up skirts, bearing a hint of seawater from the sound, as though a mobile oyster bar just blew by. Still, like many other places in the North America, it’s a city holding its breath, wondering what will happen. Until certainty arrives, bringing either relief or horror, we are biding our time getting dried goods at Costco and researching contraptions that have never held our interest before, like guns, yurts, portable filters, and gardening. Suddenly, everyone is really into gardening, including me.

I’ve only ever been successful growing herbs for witchery, and even then, the word ‘successful’ is doing a lot of work. Last spring I decided to stop being a dipshit and actually research the things I was trying to grow; shade tolerance, soil quality, pests to watch for, and other science class jazz. Lavender, rosemary, lemon balm, and mint are all pretty integral to my practice, so I planted those first, executed tips and tricks from better gardeners, and did my best to mystically encourage them. By mystically encourage, of course, I mean smoke a joint in the twilight while chattering about the people who annoyed me that day in between watering, cursing and pulling weeds. I make sure to screech extra loudly at the weeds I’ve ripped up and flung on the sidewalk so that any lingering bastard plants shrink and curl back into the soil for fear of their future. Just a few evenings of this routine produced neat, weed free garden boxes where my lavender and rosemary began to thrive. Gentle parenting!

Fast forward to this spring, and I can honestly report that my nightly gossip sessions with those plants really paid off, because they look as though they're about to devour the neighborhood. My rosemary bush continued a slow, sneaky growth spurt over the winter and now resembles a hairy stegosaurus in both size and temperament. Every herb I’ve terrified into thriving looks sharp and murderous; my English lavender’s pointy little heads are the filed incisors of Mother Nature herself.

Lavender is associated with Gemini and Mercury, who, as Hermes, performed the role of psychopomp for Hades and the souls of the dead, when he wasn’t being a tricky little bastard and stealing weird shit from people, of course. Hermes was the consummate gossip of Olympus - he enjoyed his job as Zeus’ master of whispers almost as much as he enjoyed playing double agent with Hades, because being the only deity with free access to both realms meant he couldn’t be forced to choose a side. Lavender was also key to the embalming process in ancient Egypt; priests would add it to the strips of linen before wrapping the deceased, and my particular lavender bush looks like it knows this, and is daring you to do something about it. Suffice to say, a solid sativa strain and snarky conversation has produced an enormous, spiky, luscious smelling plant that would be right at home in the non-euclidian angles of the Underworld.

We shouldn’t be surprised by the mud-slinging and juicy disclosures of recent headlines; like lavender, Gemini is keen to dig up never ending dirt so that they might scrutinize the excavation, dancing between conclusions until the very last moment. Everyone’s favorite orange Gemini, Donald Trump, must really be feeling his solar return, getting extra inconsistent in press conferences, on tarmacs, and on public media platforms. His about face on a variety of tariffs continues to scramble markets even as it winds it’s way up the courts and asses of every Keynesian economist who desperately wants us to believe that exploitation economics are good, actually - how else do we expect our ruling class to keep the 10k-a-minute profit margin that keeps them in virgin blood and mega yachts?

The first week of June was quieter, aspect wise, filled mostly by subtle, fluid sextiles that greased the track for swift Mercury as he guides the Sun through his domicile, writing notes, chittering about news and developments, and chugging caffeine so that he can stay up scrolling the news. We haven’t been inundated with new tragedy, either, but we’ve had a bit of time to observe the deepening violence of long running injustice around the world, and it is challenging some long held beliefs about governance. It’s easy to get distracted by the loudest morons, a.k.a. the usual bunch of noisy grifters arguing with each other about who can make immigrants cry harder while bankrupting and killing batteries citizens around the globe. Mercury is fleet of foot, though, and all that caffeine keeps them from sleeping, so while the information/revelation firehose isn’t putting out our blazes yet, it has been 100% laying the groundwork.

Last month’s Gemini new moon wasn’t just a shot of espresso for the cunts running the world; it invigorated the proletariat as well, who finally seem to be cooling on identity divisions in favor of class solidarity as we turn to each other and point fingers, like that stupid Spiderman meme. “Wait, I’m not rich, are you rich? Wait, you're not rich either?! Okay, where the fuck is all of our money, then? Why are we still working if we don’t get to keep the money?!”

Why, indeed.

This was important mental groundwork to lay down before two major transits take effect that will bring our recent insights, rumors, and dissatisfied mutterings to dewy fruition and physical reality; first, on June sixth, Venus was officially out of her exile in Aries and in the first degree of her feminine, earthy domicile of Taurus. Then, on June 9th, Jupiter leaves his rental space of the last year, Gemini, which is also his exile, for the lush lunar tides of his exalted domicile, Cancer. It’s hard to imagine, given how astrology and life have been panning out since summer of 2024, but these placements are actually positive for our individual experience. Taurus and Cancer are places that shift focus to personal matters like relationships, home, roots, and family, creating a tense juxtaposition with global events. A key dichotomy of the modern world will come into stark focus, then; ideas and beliefs are all well and good, but theory alone often lulls us into a state of smug complacency until it becomes physical reality. Then, all hell breaks loose.

This is your garden on drugs

Venus Enters Her Domicile and Can Finally Relax, Eat Better Snacks

Venus was retrograde for exactly (checks ephemeris) five thousand fucking years* in Aries, the sign of her exile. If she’s like the other women I know, she has been in the throes of intense frustration at empty toilet paper rolls and smeared counter tops in the man-cave of the solar system’s most athletic asshat, Mars. Her sojourn in Fuck Boy’s crash pad wasn’t just exasperating for her, either - global citizens were treated to a mess of plane crashes, fires, social injustice, and increased violence on women, queer people, and minorities. This is down to Venus and her hold on our social connections, which were rent asunder and turned poisonous in ways almost too numerous to count while she was in the martial domain of her boyfriend.

We’ve discovered that, not only do Americans not love their neighbor - they also want their neighbor to be violently detained by masked men and sent to a foreign gulag. Not only do American men in government want to institutionalize women as brood mares - they are pumped to kill them and use their corpses as incubators, too. Venus in Aries didn’t invent these things, of course, she was simply too incapacitated to keep the fire from blazing out of control and encouraging extreme circumstances. Probably because Mars, that immature prick, forgot to pay the water bill.

Can Venus reconnect us in a friendlier, cleaner house? Taurus, as her feminine earth domicile, does offer fertile, generative support; her houseplants are there, as well as her favorite ice cream, velvet furniture, and the collected films of Dev Patel, so she should be more inclined to mend fences that exploded while she was trapped in Aries. She also gets a little lazy and stubborn in Taurus, though, so speedy reconciliation will not be forthcoming - we’ll experience it as more of a comfortable, chillaxed pause in hostility, one in which polar opposites are too full and stoned to keep launching bombs at each other. Taurus is also a much more embodied place than Aries, which means Venus will be less interested in ideas and action than she will be in practicality and physical sensation. For some of us, this will lead to new, rich experiences that confirm a few of our convictions, but others may find that the lived reality of someone else’s untested, galaxy-brained ideas is restrictive and unpleasant. A technocratic revolution that leads to a global surveillance state will show its true colors sooner rather than later, especially once your Tesla turns you in to the authorities for failing to exhibit proper enthusiasm for Israel, detention centers, dead women, war with Canada, and raw, bacteria-laden milk. There are some interesting aspects ahead involving Venus with Saturn and Pluto as well, so her transit through Taurus has the same vibe as your mom watching a science experiment explode in your face while she sits calmly on the porch with a sign that says, “Welcome to the consequences of your own actions, Elon.”

Were this happening in Aries, Venus would be powerless to do anything but watch us get our faces blown off. In Taurus, she might get us to pause, put down the accelerant, and have some ice cream instead while she tells us what smart, wonderful children we are, but that playing with things beyond our ken is a very bad idea.

*Okay, fine, it wasn’t five thousand years, it was more like four months when we include the shadow period. I choose to remain angry.

Jupiter Enters His Exaltation, Finally Gets Off His Ass and Contributes

Late May’s new moon in Gemini was co-present with Jupiter and Saturn and kicked off this invigorating shift in collective energy. Thanks to lucky Jupiter and his cranky, celestial Peepaw, any confident largesse with which we’ve been infused has been tempered with a hefty dose of old guy discipline, making this lunar cycle ideal for setting big goals, creating sensible structures that support them, and actually sticking with it for the next six months.

I’m one of those people who doesn’t care much for Jupiterian blind faith; it has always struck me as dangerous to stick by the ‘bigger is better’ credo without a healthy dose of discernment. Some situations do not need expansion and may actually worsen without critical thought, like King Midas hastily turning everything to gold only to starve to death after breaking his teeth on a 14k steak. If this past year (which is the length of Mr. Bloated Gas Giant’s transits) felt unproductive, like we were taking two steps forward for every three in reverse, that’s because Gemini is the realm of analytical Mercury, who pushes against grand notions of innate cohesion. Mercury will always ask us to triple check our work and our assumptions, especially when dealing with outdated thoughts and institutions. Are you sure, Mercury asks? Are these the results you expected? Are you sure that the way you’ve always done it is the way it should be done? Says who?

Mythologically speaking, Jupiter, a.k.a. Zeus, was the god who gave Olympus legitimacy, ruled the legal systems and hierarchies of men, and bestowed upon society the philosophical idea of a ‘natural order’. He’s exalted in Cancer, which is a zodiacal place of lineage; Cancer represents our entrance into this realm after climbing an ancestral ladder that reaches through the ages. In this place, Jupiter luxuriates and tells us that everything is a piece of something deeper, bigger, and better than ourselves, but that mentality can turn into egotistical buffoonery in the hands of power-hungry fart sniffers, or as we call them today, politicians. Between those who embrace Jupiterian enlightenment and those who choose buffoonery, the remaining June astrology is poised to discover who outnumbers whom, and because it’s Jupiter we’re dealing with, the consequences will be expansive and inescapable. By July, there will be no more sidelines to sit on, my friends.

Saturn and Neptune, seen here laughing evilly as Jupiter enters Cancer

When Is All This Happening? What Days Should We Hide?!

It’s up to each individual, obviously, how we choose to interact with astrology, which affects us differently at the personal level than it does within the collective. Increasingly, however, our personal astrology is being shaped by the collective, so let’s see what these asshole planets are up to. Keep in mind, whether we’re dealing with conceited constructs of Ancient Greece or pedophilic greed monsters of the modern era, we outnumber them by many thousands. We should refuse to be cowed by idiots on any plane of existence.

6.8 - 6.10: Mercury Conjunct Jupiter in Gemini, then Cancer, Square Saturn…Tell Everyone Everything, Feel Bad About It

Mercury in Cancer - Chatty therapist who means well but relates every issue back to their life, way too free with the TMI

Jupiter in Cancer - Zealous preacher man, thinks everyone he meets is desperate to be saved, invented the term ‘mega church’ and doesn’t see the irony

Saturn in Aries - Military grandpa, reinvigorated and nostalgic for combat, spends his days teaching martial arts to young whippersnappers, yelling at clouds, fools, and solicitors

Normally, Mercury and Jupiter would be stoked to be in Cancer together - they would send us messages of good will tinged with rosy nostalgia, convincing us to attend yet another dinner with our parents despite barely a week passing since the last. Grandpa Saturn isn’t having any of that shit, though, and he is brutally, honestly negative in the way only octogenarians can be. He remembers when your middle aged parents were snot-nosed little shits, and he’ll be damned if they get to tell him when to shut up or be nice.

Any bit of positive news we get over this period will be undermined by negative restrictions and addendums, which is Saturn’s crotchety way of telling us we’re too gullible. Bright spots in the day will come with caveats, and new, sunny opportunities will seem straightforward until someone points out the restrictive fine print. Be careful with premature announcements, sweeping statements, and important deals or paperwork, because we are bound to miss something and miscommunicate, only to have it bite us in the ass shortly thereafter. Due to the backwards-looking nature of Cancer and the disciplinary tactics of Saturn, this could feel like a mini Mercury retrograde.

6.7 - 6.11: Venus and Pluto Square Off, Find Interesting Ways To Hate Each Other

Pluto in Aquarius - Neighborhood criminal, has a bone to pick with authority, gathers dirt on everyone via binoculars, sociopath

Venus in Taurus - Wealthy, well-respected gal down the street with a fantastic garden, well-stocked pantry, a perfect, golden tan, and zero patience for local ne’er do wells

This fixed square between our lovely lady planet and a necromancer with grand ideas will, as one might guess, uncover strange and unexpected secrets in the neighborhood. There isn’t a lot of wiggle room with either of these archetypes because neither Taurus nor Aquarius are places of compromise, so expect stubbornness and entrenched views when it comes to power and wealth, which are already big sticking points in both interpersonal and collective relationships. Venus is in her chariot and she sees no need to put up with what she interprets as a second rate criminal who thinks he can distribute her money however he wishes. Pluto in Aquarius is convinced that Venus is being too provincial, and that her wealth would be put to better use in his hands because he cares for neither gardens nor food pantries.

We know that money management is often a major catalyst for divorce and domestic violence, so anyone in a precarious personal situation should tread cautiously around this aspect, which could reflect shady financial business on the part of a partner or spouse. More recently, economic inequality has risen to the forefront of social and geo-political debate, so we might see the collective wrestle with unearthed financial data that indicates criminal activity or an abuse of power. Keep an eye on public trading and government spending bills.

6.8 - 6.10: Mercury and Neptune Form a Cardinal Square and Spout Crazy Conspiracy Theories

Mercury in Cancer - Chatty therapist who means well but relates every issue back to their life, way too free with TMI

Neptune in Aries - Esoteric, geriatric painter in the middle of his third wind because his weed was spiked with coke

Well, this combo will get weird fast. It’s going to be next to impossible to find concrete facts with these two rubbing each other the wrong way, which is ultimately what squares do; take two or more planets and let them irritate the hell out of each other. This cardinal square hints at immaturity and a willingness to get riled up without ascertaining the facts on the ground, likely informed by that Cancerian quality that is the boon and bane of crab people everywhere, emotional over-sensitivity. (Have you ever made it through an important conversation with a Cancer without them crying or pouting silently? Yeah, me neither.)

We will be focused on feelings first and logic last as we try to communicate important information, and that often negates the impact of our message, especially with someone as far gone as Neptune in Aries. All those drugs have convinced him that aliens routinely visit his grandmother’s house, Elvis Presley is alive and acting as advisor to Donald Trump, and immigrants are stealing Americans jobs when they aren’t busy stealing his mail. Neptune in Aries is a hallmark of conspiracy theories and mass paranoia throughout history, and without some uber rational earth or air influence in the sky, it will be very easy to fall victim to his false shenanigans. Mars is a jerk, but he’s a passionate jerk, and he makes Aries energy very contagious.

The sort of emotionally driven speech that Mercury will be reflecting only eggs Neptune on in this instance, instead of calming him down. The comms channels are going to be jammed with baseless assumptions and we might end up playing defense for team common sense all week, which is exhausting and unproductive. The best way to combat a frenzy of delusion is probably by hanging back and refusing to contribute - if something is unverified, don’t repeat it. Jupiter is co-present with Mercury already, and he’ll be more than happy to amplify and expand any messaging with emotional resonance, even if it is false or misleading. What begins as dozens of people holding signs outside of a courthouse, for instance, might be reported on various channels as hundreds of trans migrants demanding hormones from judges, which then prompts a sea of counter-protestors to show up who were told that Antifa is performing gender reassignment surgery on babies in public, and also, they are satanists.

See? I told you Jupiter isn’t always good.