Retrograde Malaise: Saturnian Horoscopes for Getting Your Shit Together
Saturn is ushering us out of comfortable Cancer season following his Capricorn moon and station to retrograde, which Mercury will soon join. Their message? It's time to get serious.
From an Ocean of Emotion to the Peak of Enlightenment
It’s tempting, as we approach the dog days of summer and slog through a swamp of collective disasters, to dive into the deepest, coolest lake, swim to the bottom, and stay there. The Cancerian water could insulate us from the madness we have wrought; no corporate despots screaming through our phones, no missiles shredding children in their tents, no technocratic oligarchs, no noise at all, really, except the embryonic glug-glug of waves.
I lived by several lakes as a child, and fraught family dynamics encouraged exactly this sort of aquatic escapism. Our closest public lake was only fifteen minutes away, and I’m sure my mother looked forward to it for her own reasons, the least of which being relief from oppressive, midwestern humidity. A two dollar day pass (ah, the eighties!) paid for itself in dividends once the park attendant lifted the striped gate to let us hopscotch over greasy asphalt, all so my mom might achieve ten minutes of peace with a paperback while her children bickered at the shoreline and chased wily minnows.
Milliseconds after stamping my foot into hot sand I would run to the water and hastily suction goggles to my eyeballs, desperate to be away from everyone I couldn’t otherwise escape. Wading until my feet no longer squelched in silt, I dove past the drop off and swam as low as I could, until the world was cold, green, and quiet. The bickering, grabbing, and loathing of life on land became far away things, silenced in favor of curious fish and pulsating algae clumps. The womb silence of water, the lazy waving of sea flora. Escape. Change me into a mermaid, I would plead, change me into anything, anything that can stay here and live a different life. Make the water my home.
It’s been a long time since I was able to escape chaos in such a way, but it’s no less appealing today than it was in 1989 - in fact, plunking oneself in a body of water and never emerging might be more appealing now than it was back then, cowardly though it may be. Cocooning myself at home in a burrito of 90’s nostalgia to avoid the geo-political consequences of that same decade wouldn’t just be irresponsible; this digital age makes it impossible.
Old solutions of the last century are now fruitless - labels for obscenity, playing saxophone on late night television to clinch a presidential bid, seamless, manufactured consent to war - we know too much and have instant access to messaging from the opposition. Mercury has done his job too thoroughly. Whatever fantasy we want to believe, there is a Youtube channel that caters to it. Instead of uniting us in truth, unrestricted communication has shattered our shared reality, which makes all this chatter feel pointless in the end. Like burying our bodies beneath a sand castle or purposely trying to drown, pumping arms under the waves in a futile bid to stay submerged. We’ll always pop back up into unrelenting reality.
There is no hiding like a crab in a shell from the shortcomings of the world anymore than there is from our own mistakes. We have to emerge from the water and traverse a land riddled with obstacles, because there are mountains to climb and problems to solve, goddammit, and we tackle them by holding tension between the comfort of safety and the discomfort born of ambition. The crab of Cancer season must make plans to transition to Capricornian ascension, and last week’s bright, buttery full moon likely highlighted all the pitfalls we’ll encounter on the way.
Capricorn as a zodiac sign has some correlation to Pan, the naughty Greek deity who also chose desperate submersion as a way to escape chaos. When the Olympians and Titans were at war, Pan found himself in a pickle during battle and almost fell prey to massive Typhus, so he leapt from a riverbank into the water, intending to use his transformative magic to speedily escape in the guise of a fish. Unfortunately for Pan, the river was deceptively shallow, submerging him from only the waist down and leaving him in the form with which we associate Capricorn; the ambitious, confounding sea goat. Presumably an embarrassed sea goat, after that fiasco. Even the gods must face reality.
This past lunation marked the beginning of the end of Cancer season, reflecting our need to buckle down while maintaining balance with our homebody selves; we can’t keep burrowing into the sand for comfort and expecting problems to magically disappear, or for glorious ascension to randomly befall us. Achievement generally depends on discipline, as well as planning, focus, and attention to detail, all things that are hard to harness in the maelstrom of the present moment. This is what Kronos demands, however. We’ve got to tackle the hard things if we want to mature.
Saturn’s first retrograde in Aries contains clues for navigating the future, and we’ll need to examine the past to unearth them. We’ll have six months to see this last lunation come to fruition; to do the hard work that leads to positive changes, both individually and collectively. Some of us will hear Saturn’s reprimands more loudly than others if the last moon or his retrograde lands in an important house, but everybody will get his notes. Consider the following horoscopes an extended homework assignment, courtesy of Kronos, that will reinforce important lessons and fortify us against the coming chaos. The days are shortening again, and soon it will be autumn. We’ll have to get out of the water.
These horoscopes are most accurate by rising sign, which determines whole sign house placements in a natal chart (per the Hellenistic tradition, specifically). You can certainly read your sun sign as well; there aren’t any astrology police hiding in the shadows and waiting to arrest you for misinterpreting the zodiac*. Just know that your ascendant will more accurately delineate the area of life where this lunation might immediately manifest, and your sun sign can be more indicative of the overall arc of your life.
*If anyone wants to organize an astrology police force, however, call this bitch. I would kill at that job.
Aries
Impetuous Rams, how are we doing? Saturn and Neptune are churning the waters of your first house with their depressing, esoteric bullshit, and now Saturn’s negative Nancy routine will be affecting your public and professional aspirations through this recent full moon. Pissed off though you may be, if you can see past the irritation of unwelcome scoldings from your lame ass boss you might make substantial progress by internalizing some of the feedback you’ve received and making changes, especially to the ways you balance (or don’t) your professional commitments with your home and family. Try not to shy away from painful memories as Capricorn’s melancholy ruler judges your past iterations, attitudes, ambitions, and actions; we’re supposed to learn and grow from our mistakes, and we can’t do that if we don’t face them.
Taurus
Your dealings with Capricorn’s ruler are first being emphasized via philosophical and environmental exploration, Taurus, which in laymen’s terms means obstacles to further education or travel. For instance, if you were banking future success on an international school or other highly prestigious institution without performing due diligence on process or necessary qualifications, you miiiiight want to check up on that. Right after grumbling at you to pay attention, Saturn went retrograde in your twelfth house of secrets, mental issues, and hidden motives, and I can’t help but wonder if these things are connected, Taurus. Are you being genuinely lazy (i.e., your factory setting) or are you sabotaging yourself so that you don’t have to experience the discomfort of a new situation? If so, cut it out; Jupiter is bestowing fortune on your communication abilities for the next year, which means you’ll probably get what you want if you start putting in the effort.
Gemini
Something unexpected might have hit yours or a spouses pocketbook, Gemini, but it’s nothing you can’t handle. Saturn is trying to point out your missteps when it comes to building abundance, particularly when it comes to debt or an ancient I.O.U. that comes back to bite you in the keister. Additionally, the silver fox of the solar system is now retrograde in your house of friends and community activity, so it’s possible that there are old, overlooked ledger imbalances between you and a past acquaintance. Mercury is doing a lot this week, so it will be tempting for you to emulate your ruler and mentally back burner lingering debt, but you’ll feel better if you clear the air and settle up; progress in some areas of your life may depend on it. Both planets in retrograde, Mercury and Saturn, will be excavating issues and people from your past that need reconciling, so do the grown-up thing and face them before you get distracted by something else.
Cancer
Happy solar return to all you compassionate crabs, hopefully you’ve enjoyed a respite from chaos now that Mars is moving further away from your first house. Even better, Jupiter is creeping out from behind the sun to infuse you with luck, confidence, and abundance, because gods know Zeus has plenty to spare. That’s the good news I brought you for your birthday! Now, for the spicy news - the full moon aimed it’s wattage right at your relationships, and you might have noticed some friction on the part of a spouse or friends. It’s easy to get self-involved during your solar season, but with Leo right around the corner it’s high time to look outward and soothe any interpersonal tension that’s been burbling. If that weren’t enough, Saturn is retrograde in your tenth house of public and professional persona, which means it’s likely you’ll receive feedback in those relationships as well, but remember; thanks to Jupiter, the sky is the limit once you take corrective measures.
Leo
I have something important to impress upon you, Leo, before you kamikaze into your birthday season; if you keep flambéing the candle at both ends and eschewing the advice of your better angels, you’ll be burnt out before the party even starts. Saturn was hitting you with the Dad energy through this full moon, scrutinizing the junk food you’ve been eating, the sleep you’re not getting, and the chores you’re putting off. He’s shaking his haloed head at your belief in your own invincibility. He’s also moving backwards in your house of education and philosophy, which leads me to believe that you’ll be shortchanging your own potential if you don’t get your baseline habits in order. You have a chance to be just as great as you think you are, but excellence is rarely achieved on thirty minutes of sleep and an eight ball. (Leo Mick Jagger is an outlier, I assure you.) Drink some water, turn in early, and take a vitamin or something. Damn.
Virgo
Virgo, it’s possible you’re stuck in a negative thought loop regarding things that used to bring joy, and it might be time to channel Marie Kondo to find your spark again. If creative projects are bringing you down instead of lifting you up, perhaps your process needs an overhaul. Yes, you heard correctly - you get to pick apart a system, identify problems, and perfect it! Consider this an early birthday present, one that will encourage you to stop self-restricting and start taking more chances.
After dampening your artistic zeal with the full moon, Saturn stationed retrograde in your house of karmic debts, which has me wondering if your passion projects are truly that, or if you’re simply going through the motions because you’re afraid of letting someone down. Sometimes perfectionism is a big wet towel over the spark of creation, Virgo, so try muting your extremely high expectations of yourself and let the muse run where it wants. I know doing anything without a detailed plan is like nails on a chalkboard for you, so try free styling in five minute bursts. You can go right back to elaborately designing the next five years of your life, I promise.
Libra
Something’s going on domestically, Libra, and it may need your attention. Saturn used this lunation to spotlight home and family, so stay on top of any transitions taking place like relocation, changes with roommates or family members, and household renovations. If you’re not dealing with transition, this moon may prompt it; the layout of your kitchen might begin to annoy you, the assignment of individual spaces could benefit from rotation, or that one creaky stair may be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Not satisfied with mucking around in only one part of your life, Saturn himself went retrograde in your house of partnership, so it’s possible that a past relationship, or an event in the past of a current relationship, is triggered by whatever obstacle you’ve encountered at home. Libras often gloss over their own problems or childhood frictions in order to be an ‘easy’ partner, but Saturn may be pointing out how obfuscation can backfire in relationships, so stop being a pussy and put it all out there. Most people don’t want an ‘easy’ partnership if it means you’ll never allow yourself to be truly vulnerable.
Scorpio
Don’t be surprised if a sibling or close friend expresses dismay at your communication, Scorpio - we all know pedantic details like responding to texts and planning coffee dates bore the shit out of you, but sometimes you have to clench your teeth and participate in society. We know you are spiritually and emotionally the most loyal, dedicated friend in the world, and you shine when your people need serious protection, but the little hellos and check-ins are just as important. Interestingly, Saturn has just gone retrograde in your house of service, the lifeblood of which is usually those irritating notes and little tasks that you’ve never wholly embraced. But they aren’t for you, Scorpio, they’re for others, which is why you should try to get more consistent. Think of them as necessary flourishes that deepen intimacy and increase loyalty, which you obsessively crave.
Sagittarius
Saturn is whispering your least favorite word at you, Sag, regarding your material abundance, and that word is practicality. If you’ve been gallivanting around like a millionaire without the millions, you’ll likely encounter some much needed restrictions on your spending habits. Centaurs often spend on adventure and fun with friends, but if your output is consistently greater than your input, consider focusing more on your generative projects and building a buffer for your next European vacation. Don’t lie, we know you’re planning one…which brings us to the next area of saturnine bummers, your fifth house of creativity and joy. Saturn started moving backwards in this area of your life over the weekend, which means past sources of joy like hobbies or travel might benefit from some scrutiny, particularly if there are financial elements resurfacing. No one is telling you to eliminate joy from your life, Sagittarius, so don’t freak out. Saturn may simply have some suggestions for cheaper fun.
Capricorn
It won’t intimidate you at all to learn that more discipline and focus are needed to become the best version of yourself, Cap; I suspect you would be disappointed if that were’t the case. You’ve only recently escaped the existential destruction of Pluto in your first house, so you can be forgiven for taking a moment to breathe, sleep, and recenter. Consider your namesake full moon a gentle poke to get going on your grand reinvention, whether it’s an internal shift of philosophy or an external makeover that better aligns with your ambitions, it’s time to stop ideating and start acting. Hints about your next steps might be hiding in the childhood/domestic realm, which is where zaddy Saturn now moves backwards. A part of your younger self that has long been buried - a philosophy, skill, or affect - might appeal again after years in hibernation. It won’t be regression if you approach something old with new maturity; it will be evolution.
Aquarius
This moon hits you in a strange spot, Water-Bearer, so it’s a good thing galaxy-brained Aquarius is amenable to crazy ideas and esoteric improvements. Your twelfth house is the place of your subconscious desires, secrets, and hidden enemies, so what is it you’re hiding from your own conscious mind? Your traditional ruler was pulling the strings on this recent lunation and asking you to acknowledge key deceptions; they may come from other people, or they may be your own. Saturn himself went retrograde in your third house shortly after the full moon perfected, which means you’ll be reviewing past communications, relationships, etc., and those blasts from the past might influence your mental and spiritual reckoning. The impending Mercury retrograde could be utilized in a positive way (no, really!) if you are willing to examine old conflicts and hang-ups, so drag them into the light and deal with them. C’mon, you can handle it. You’re an Aquarius for a reason.
Pisces
It’s time for Pisces to get uncomfortable and cosplay as an extrovert, because this moon is hinting at needed maintenance of your social circle. If there is tension or neglect between people, now is a good time to break your silence and figure it out, which could involve playing diplomat. (Or making some admissions and concessions, if you were the one involved.) The Capricorn moon was setting you up to approach social friction in a practical, detailed way, so try to tamp down your extra watery tendencies and dark delusions - it probably isn’t that serious. It’s always possible that you’ve outgrown the usual scene, in which case acknowledging your evolution and moving on will do wonders for your notoriously shaky Piscean self-esteem. Saturn has just turned retrograde in your house of generative skills and wealth, which may or may not have some connection to your social habits, but you can still expect aspects of your financial past to make an appearance over the next few weeks.
god dammit…
Thank you!!